Why do I keep thinking about you? I honestly don’t even know why. I’ve told myself that I don’t like you and all that but I continuously still think about you every hour of the day. I already know that you’re not interested, it’s obvious on that part, but I don’t get why my mind consistently goes back to you. There was a time period where I told myself no, I can’t like you, I shouldn’t like you. That lasted a while, but still, now it’s just consistent. Not gonna lie, I don’t even want to be in an actual relationship with you… just yeah.
You’re lips are consistently on my mind since a few nights ago. I can’t stop thinking about them. I have no clue why, but I just do. The thought of your lips pressed against mine. How do I make these thoughts just stop?
I think the perfect life, or well in my eyes right now, is to travel the world. To travel the world with someone you love. Travel everywhere, stay at the most beautiful places we can find, wake n bake, drink classy wine or just drink, and have sex. I think that is probably the best thing to do. Imagine waking up somewhere and having a balcony that’s wide open. You turn to your side and the person you love at the time is right next to you. Morning sex and then go onto the balcony and just have a nice smoke together. Then wander around the place seeing new places. Then coming back home, having a nice dinner with some classy wine, then sex before you sleep. Repeat everyday, maybe even have some lazy days where all you do is smoke, watch movies, and sex all day long with the balcony wide open with an amazing view.
Then travel to a new beautiful location and repeat everything all over again until we get tired of that place.
Now how great would that be.
Are you serious? Finding out you’re STILL in San Jose and you still haven’t tried to contact me. Like really though?
First you tell me that you’re gonna come and visit me last Friday afternoon and stay for however long. Okay. I told everyone you were coming. Everyone was looking forward to meeting you not because you’re my friend, but because of what you’ve been doing. I’ve told them where you’ve gone and even some of your stories and all of Friday, people on my floor kept asking when you were coming. Then you call me Friday at like 5 and ask if you should come or not… Like really? You told me that you were coming and now you’re debating if you should come. I told you specifically that it’d be easier for you to visit San Jose before Santa Cruz since you were coming from the north, and you didn’t say anything. Then you end up in San Jose and then debate if you should come. Then you continued to argue with me if you should come when I kept telling you that you can or not. It was up to you since I didn’t know what I was doing this weekend or anything. You were planning on visiting me, why should I should what day and what time. I told you exactly how my schedule is & that I was fine for you to come whenever. Then you told me you’d call me the next morning.
You never called. Then you text me on Monday asking if I chose what day you’d come. Like no. I’m not making a decision on when you should come. I told you exactly how my schedule is & you still won’t choose. If I were to plan to visit you, I would ask you how you’re schedule is and then plan the day and time and ask if it’s okay with you. Like, it’s that simple. The only bad thing that I’ve done is plan to visit you in SJ, but there’s no point of me going all the way over there to visit you and then come back to Santa Cruz and then go back to SJ for thanksgiving. Like no, that makes no sense to do that. I need to save money just as much as you do. You continued to argue with me and said that you wanted to visit me but wanted me to choose. I understand it’s a two way type of thing, but you didn’t say anything. You just wanted me to choose everything. You know I hate making decisions, and even this, it wasn’t my decision to make in the first place. YOU wanted to visit me. YOU planned to visit me. & YOU didn’t show up. & you expect ME to choose. Like seriously though….
Then I find out you’re STILL in SJ. You’ve been there for a week now and you still haven’t contacted me again after our argument.
I guess I’m not even worth your time to even try to visit.
Why do I keep wasting my time? Why is my mind so stuck on just you? Ugh please just get out of my mind so I can stop making a fool of myself to you. I need to stay away from you. I’ve continuously told myself not to like you, to not try anything, or anything in that category, and yesterday I made a fool of myself. Why? I honestly have no clue. Was it because I was drinking? Probably… But, ugh I just don’t know anymore. I don’t even know what I’m saying. I just want to be friends. Get close as friends. Nothing more, nothing less.
I have continuously had dream about you and I don’t know why. I know for a fact that I don’t like you like that at all but I am always thinking of you. At night before I sleep I think of you. Every time you’re in the same room as me, my ears go straight towards you. I don’t want to listen to anyone else but you. I’ve questioned myself so many times trying to figure out why when I know I don’t like you or anything. Just, I dunno. I’m just really confused. & especially rn when you asked if I was gonna see you later, just I dunno. So many thoughts.
I think it’s crazy how much I’ve changed since before. I used to be so insecure about my body and just myself in general. Today was the First Rain Run here at UCSC which is also known as the naked run. My roommate decided to go and she has a nice body so yeah I could see her doing it. I doubted myself way too much to go out there. But after they passed by, I went. I told my self to at least keep my underwear and bra on and surprisingly I was fine taking my bra off. It’s crazy to see how okay I am in my body. Even in the picture we took today, I didn’t see myself as fat or big. It’s crazy to just think that my mindset has changed so much, especially since I was younger.
Naked Run 2013