Do you know how much it sucks to just sit here and watch everyone have the time of their life when you’re here trying to find a future for yourself. Watching everyone just looking for fun and not even giving one fuck about school or anything like that. Something that they’ve worked on for how many years and now what, give it all up just to have fun. 

It’s funny. You left telling me that I had so many friends, that I’d do just fine without you. But, ever since you’ve left, life has gone downhill. I thought it was getting better, but I guess I just got to the top of the roller coaster to just keep falling. Ever since you left I have had no friends. People hang out with me because they feel sorry for me. I don’t want that in my life. It’s come to the point where I don’t give a fuck about anyone. That if I sat there and watched someone get hurt, I wouldn’t even care anymore. I don’t want this feeling anymore, and honestly telling people about my life and what I’ve gone through, it makes me go back to the days of when I was depressed. I don’t want this feeling anymore. There’s people in my life that are there for me. But in my mind, I am constantly thinking that they’re only doing this to me because I don’t have anyone. Maybe they’re not like that, but my mind will continue to think like that.I don’t want this feeling anymore. Of being depressed. Of being alone. Someone please take it away from me. 

Why should I just sit here and watch you do whatever the hell you want? You just sit there and act like nothing happened between us. You’re treating this as an immature drama problem between us. Don’t talk to me. That’s perfectly fine with me. But, if you’re just gonna sit there and talk shit about me subliminally then whatever. Say shit, tell me straight up. You’re already making it seem like I’m the bad guy to everyone else and I know that. You know what, I don’t even know why you’re mad at me. I can only think of one reason and that’s it. I’ve sat here and contemplated about why else you’d be mad, but I can’t. I can give you a whole list full of reasons why I should be mad. Why you should be the bad guy. But, of course you don’t want to listen to all of that because you think you’re the bad guy in this situation. Yeah, I’ma talk about you on here. That’s what I do. You should know that since you were my friend. But, you know what, I haven’t said anything to you at all since I don’t want shit to happen. Just not yet. I don’t want all these thoughts of us arguing and such in your head while we enjoy our senior year separately. If you want to act like nothing happened between us. Like we did nothing over the past years. Alright go on ahead. But, let me tell you this. I’ve told people my side of the story and they all say that what you did was fucked up. They said I shouldn’t have focused myself on you so much, but since you were my best friend, they thought that you should’ve been there at least. You were there once this year. That was is. Once you saw me get better you changed back to the new you. I really do hope you read this and understand what’s been going on in my head. Like I said, I don’t care that you don’t talk to me, but I hope you feel guilty of what you’ve done and not gonna lie, I really do hope you suffer.

I really just can’t wait for the day of graduation. Not because I’m graduating, but don’t get me wrong that will still be a reason why I can’t wait, but I truly can’t wait for the day that I will tell you all the shit you did to me. All the things you did that made me feel like shit. I’m not just about to tell you all now causing all this drama right before graduation, but the day that we graduate, just ugh. I truly can’t wait for that day. I don’t give a fuck about you and you know what all your other friends can tell you to cheer up since it’s graduation and just get over it, but I know for a fact that you won’t be able to. I know the type of person you are already, and I know you’ll just let it bother you. 

For senior ditch day, I don’t want to go with a bunch of friends to the beach. I’m fine with just probably 2 or 3. I want to go on the little road trip with them to the beach, enjoying the drive, and once we’d get there, we’d just sit on the beach and relax. Sit there and talk about nonsense. Read books while enjoying the view of the ocean. Listen to music and just relax. I’m not the type of person to go all out. I’m a relaxed type of person that just tries to enjoy the small things in life. I dunno. Anyone care to join me? 

They say enjoy the rest of your senior year with your friends and all that, but what if I don’t like any of them anymore. That I’m just tired of all of them and just want to get away. Why should I force myself to enjoy my senior year with people I could care less about and they don’t even care about me? I personally think it’s pointless. They can say all the time that your senior year is the most memorable and I can honestly say that it was, but I can also honestly say that it was all ruined just by one person. I really wish I listened to everyone who said I should just stop being friends with her, but I didn’t. & this is how my year is ending. Well alright. At least I’m actually okay with it. 

I just want to leave to college already, not only to get away from everyone but I just want to succeed already. I want that feeling of I’m getting shit done and I didn’t need any of you bitches in my life. I know I will succeed one day. I know there will be ups and downs and I know for a FACT that I’m going to want to give up, but all I’m going to see in the end is one making my family proud and two, to just see all you’re faces seeing that I’ve succeeded. That I made something out of my life rather than depend on all of you to be there for me when everyone was only there just because they were curious. That’s how I knew who were my real friends. & I’ve only had one real one. One that talked to me for as long as I knew them. The person that asked how my day was every single day and made sure I was okay. The person that never sugar coated any advice given to me. Just someone who was there when in reality I didn’t need them. I’ve had probably two people like that. Losing touch with one and trying to keep in touch with another. I know it’s hard, but they’re there. One is 24/7 and the other the best to his ability. I hope to one day make them proud with my family too. Everyone else I hope to rub it all in their faces saying yeah bitches, I made something. I wouldn’t even care if they did too because I’m able to say that I made it without them. That I didn’t need them in my life. That’s what I want to prove one day. 

I let myself call you a friend. The person that I thought was there for me all the time. I guess not. All you care about is your social life. You complain about the stupidest things like your tired when you’re the cause of it. I let myself let you take advantage of me and my family. We were there for you. We paid for you. We brought you places. And yet you don’t give a fuck. You never even have the thought of me anymore. It’s about what everyone else wants to do. Well  you know what, I’m trying to enjoy my last month of school, not listen to everything you plan on doing with your other friends.